Amateur Hour

Rugby has a lot of things going for him. Chief among these is an incredibly hot body and a big penis.

Dear Boys: don't let anyone tell you the size of a penis doesn't matter. It does. They can at times be far too big and quite often they can be too small or too skinny (the worst kind), so when you come across a perfectly dimensioned penis, we girls are entitled to expect a good time. In fact, we demand it.



I held out on Rugby for quite a while before sexing, for no apparent reason other than the fact I have a perfectly functioning vibrator and I wondered how long I could tease him before he got aggressive. I was a little disappointed that he hadn't gone down on me, nor even hinted at it, however I figured with a perfect penis maybe he didn't need to. I soon discovered he hadn't gone down on me because he had no. fucking. idea. what he was doing with the vagina and little boat (aka clitoris for the scientists out there).

After a few lacklustre performances of the sex act, I decided to scare him into improving. I casually announced over dinner one evening that I was a regular sex and relationships contributor for an online magazine, with an emphasis on the sex. I raised my eyebrow at him. He visibly whitened. He knew what that meant. Nicknames, secrets spilled and confidences breached. He had to pull his socks up.

The following evening, it was as though he had read every single Penthouse forum column he could get his mitts on. He went down on me in a raging dervish, and he pumped vigorously away at me as though I was a busted basketball and there was only 30 seconds left on the clock for the neighbourhood competition. He has two-speeds: fast and faster. One speed less and he'd be a BMX. It is not an understatement to point out that I was underwhelmed. He could tell.

"You know, whatever you want me to do. I'll do it."

Code for: "Help! I have no idea what I'm doing! Please teach me!".

There are some people who believe that such a helpless little wannabe sex maniac with a perfect toolbox is the greatest opportunity in their sexual lives. I agree - to a point. This situation, however, is not a matter of refining a few of his magic tricks, this is teaching him how to shuffle cards. Frankly, I'm not sure I have the energy (although his chest is a powerful incentive).

Key phrases for dealing with a lacklustre performer:

• "Do not have sex with me as though you are masturbating - my vagina is not your hand"
• "It's not a sprint, it's a marathon"
• "Not so good"
• "Good"
• "You better be able to back that one up again, buster"

For God's sake, don't destroy their self-confidence. They are very vulnerable. They are naked.

Key tools:

• Anaesthetised condoms
• Lubricant (it could take a while - a bruised box is not much fun in the morning)
• No pornos. Pornos have a lot to answer for this whole banging away at a woman business.
• Rope. Discipline is essential.