Mummy's Boy

Relaxation can involve a variety of activities: scoffing chocolate like the world will end in a few short moments while flipping through Vogue magazine and convincing myself that I own a wardrobe full of Chanel, that I'm a size 0 and will continue to be so despite having just consumed a sumo wrestler's body weight in chocolate; eating; manicure/pedicure - while eating; cooking (or more correctly, eating what I have spent hours cooking).

A key ritual of the cooking process for me is the donning of an apron. Should I ever find myself lacking sustenance, I could basically eat my apron given how much food has been spilt on it and how rarely it sees a scoop of Omo. My moment of relaxation - at its height when I tie my messy apron - is without fail (and albeit briefly) ruined when the tying of the apron strings reminds me of my crazily drawn-out involvement with an extreme version of what is commonly described as "The Mummy's Boy"*. Unfortuantely Mummy's Boys are a permanent fixture on the Australian dating scene if you believe a word social demographer Bernard Salt has to say.

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Any dipping of toes into the icy waters of the Great Dating Ocean requires the same level of painstaking care and attention as that paid to selecting a good waxer. One false move and your vagina will hate you forever.

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It is with great trepidation that you date a Mummy's Boy.** The attention with which your Mummy's Boy lavishes you - primarily because he is looking for a replacement mummy (i.e. wife - the notions are interchangeable in the mind of a Mummy's Boy) - can be terribly blinding in the early days of your acquaintance. It is hence imperative that should you remotely suspect his attachment to the apron strings aren't entirely severed, that you arrange a time to observe his interactions with mummy without haste .

It is of course entirely possible that his constant references to his mum are absent any kind of Oedipus syndrome: Brad Pitt and Curtis Stone are testament to guys being a great catch if they have a respectful, wonderful, non-sexual/healthy relationship with their mums.

Sometimes you just need to be sure though. Oberving boys in their growing-up environment can be all the fun of a David Attenborough quirky animal-shagging-behaviours documentary.

Below I list some standard, totally innocuous pleasantries you would typically engage in when visiting the parentals of your current shag for the first time. You'll realise you have a Mummy's Boy on your hands when his mummy interprets such activities in a manner that even the writers of an Emmy-award winning episode of Bold and the Beautiful would struggle with conceptually.

• Your pretty, floral teadress. She will at first think "oh, how nice she's just like me". The instant the thought reaches her eyeballs however, she will instantly morph into Queen Insecure as she suspects your dastardly plan to replace her in her darling boy's life. With that you will witness the birth of a rampant, passive-aggressive monster. Nice mummys will just think you're nice. Try not to get your boobs out this first meeting - you will forever be a tart in mummy-to-avoid's eyes and that can be a hard one to refute when you're busily on nipple alert.
  
• The gift you bring along - be it wine, flowers, home-made chutney - will be seen not as a thoughtful gesture, but as a Trojan-esque gift to be regarded with extreme suspicion. Wait for the question re the recipe/where you bought it. You can then expect some type of - "Oh goodness. I just never buy flowers from there because they're usually riddled with worms! But.... These look very nice. Maybe they found better quality since I was in there yesterday". Or "The recipe has chillis in it? What a frightfully funny recipe! I can't stand hot food. You should keep it". Do not under any circumstances argue: you're just opening whole new avenues of criticism. Smile! Act like an imbecile who didn't understand a word of what she just said!


• When you do the dishes to help out. Regarded by sane human beings as a nice, grateful thing to do. Expect mummy to behave as if on extreme terrorist alert, following you around like a lost, blind puppy and muttering things like "not the way I do it" and uncontrollably rubbing surfaces you have already cleaned. Persevere with this one, folks. Mummy's Boys will usually grab mummy by the apron strings and attempt to waltz with her in the lounge room. Don't be surprised if one or both of them grind their hips a little.

While you may be a little tied up managing the shock induced you may feel after witnessing the behaviour of a grown, apparently mentally-stable woman, ensure you also observe Boy. Classic Mummy's Boy behaviour includes: (a) always taking Mummy's side; and (b) behaving like a pre-schooler, becoming useless, whiny and needy as soon as Mummy appears (Mummy will generally respond by not-so-subtly commenting she would never leave her darling in the lurch the way you, the nasty - and most likely slutty - girlfriend has).

For those of you who would prefer to have your eyebrows waxed by a drunk masochist than hang out with parents in the early days, keep your eyes open for any of these clues:

• He refers to his mother as "mummy" a la Trey on Sex and the City. We all know how that one ended. The "mummy" endearment is generally answer enough - more so if she has a nickname for him that references baby animals or that requires her to adjust her normal speaking voice to baby-voice. Goo-goo ga-ga - Get outta there!


• He comments that she looks really "fit" for a 64 year old. What?


• If, when you are ironing/making a bed/folding clothes/any other domestic chore, he comments that "mum doesn't do it like that" with extreme disapproval - and he doesn't think to offer to do it himself.

Any of these vital signs? You have yourself a living, breathing mummy's boy.

What to do next, when you realise you are dating a Mummy's Boy?^ Run like hell.

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* Mummy's Boy used to love when I wore an apron - apparently I tied my apron "just like mum". The last straw was when he wanted sex with the apron on - tied "just like mum". Fuck off, Oedipus. The only issues I have time for are Midas'.

**Note: You're more likely to find yourself in the arms of a Mummy's Boy if you are still in your very own Age of Innocence.

^I have clearly not pointed out the other, more obvious early signs of a Mummy's Boy, such as still living with Mummy, wearing underpants that have been ironed for him by Mummy, and relying on his Sunday delivery of food for the week from Mummy (unless Mummy is his WeightWatchers meal delivery lady - totally different story, however beware dating a boy who can fit into your shorts).